Why is Thad Glad?

I am a member of Prairie Circle Unitarian Universalist Congregation (PCUUC) in Grayslake, Illinois. Our church does not have a full time pastor and is mostly run by members.  Guest ministers, members, and friends of the congregation deliver sermons.  We rent space in a barn and hold on-line services.  I had the privilege to speak at our service on Sunday June 11, 2023 but did not say all the profanities you might notice in the text below. If you would like to learn more about our congregation, visit  www.prairiecircleuuc.org/aboutus.  

Glennon Doyle opens her book Untamed with a story about a cheetah named Tabatha born in a zoo who performs daily for visitors.  Tabitha’s job is to chase a  stuffed rabbit to earn a steak reward.  The zookeeper tells visitors that the cheetah has never seen the wild and is happier and safer in captivity.  Doyle’s daughter Tish later spies Tabatha stalking the periphery of her pen and exhibiting a powerful predator demeanor. Tish then whispers, “Mommy Tabatha turned wild again”.  Doyle imagines a  conversation with Tabatha that goes like this:

Tabatha: I  feel a little off about life.  Everything was supposed to be better than it is.  I want to run and hunt and kill and sleep under a black, silent sky filled with stars.  I guess I should be grateful, I have a good enough life here, it’s crazy to long for what does not exist. 

Doyle:  Tabitha – you are not crazy, you are a God damned cheetah

Unlike Tabatha, we are not imprisoned.  However, we  likely live in our own mental cages. We have the power to free ourselves.    

Like Tabatha, we have all been domesticated.  In The Four Agreements, Toltec author Don Miguel Ruiz describes his concept of domestication.  It is an image of perfection that we create in order to be accepted by others.  We develop this image by trying to please people in authority like our parents.  Because we do not meet our own image of perfection, we reject and even punish ourselves.  We pretend we are not what we are by wearing social masks, which keep others from seeing our imperfections.  Our domesticated belief systems, whether conscious or unconscious, may form the structure of our cages.

I became more interested in freedom and my own imaginary cages about nine months into retirement from my twenty-five year career at a large drug company.  I had plotted and planned all the financial aspects of retirement without really planning for my freedom from paid employment. Work had provided a sense of meaning and identity for most of my life, and withdrawal was more difficult than I had expected.  After some nice travel, I drifted toward the comfort of the familiar.  First, I accepted part time contract positions, which I still have and enjoy. Then, I began looking for full time pharmaceutical  jobs like the one I had left.  I told myself I liked the meaning of work, its accompanying sense of mastery and expertise, and the teamwork of corporate life. 

When a recruiter contacted me about a tempting position, I jumped at the opportunity. During a Zoom interview with my potential future boss, I asserted my qualifications using my corporate persona while simultaneously freaking out about the prospect of actually getting the job.  As we talked about challenges of the position, I had concurrent feelings that these were the same challenges I had grown weary of at my former employer. I then knew that I did not want to climb back into a newer and shinier version of my old cage.

Since that moment I have become curious about freedom.  I read several books that considered freedom in different ways.  I can only touch on a few ideas that I hope will be of value to you today.

Aristotle said “Through discipline comes freedom” and he meant self discipline.  I was pretty good at earning freedom this way.

We constantly face decisions of pay now or pay later as it relates to diet, exercise,and spending.  I found that these areas came the most naturally to me. I have been blessed with decent genes and have worked to maintain a healthy diet and consistent exercise,  which has rewarded me with the freedom of health.  I also got interested in personal finance at an early age and used the miracle of compounding interest to work for me.  I minimized debt and maximized saving.  At work, I complied with my version of an expected social contract.  As a conscientious, hardworking and reliable employee, I became a domesticated corporate manager by striving to meet the needs of the business including bosses, coworkers, and employees in exchange for good compensation. Overall, I think I became good at delayed gratification.

I had retired with no debt and minimal parental obligations.  I was free to do whatever I wanted. So, why would I want to go back?

With the benefit of hindsight,  I think I sort of got addicted to the reward of earning money.  I worked in high school, paid for my free college education with obligatory military service.  I liked the feeling of independence resulting from not having to rely on parents for financial support.  I also bought into the standard American plan – you know college, marriage, career, kids, dog, mortgage, picket fences…Included with that formula came the identity of family provider.  As a retiree, if I was not doing activities to provide, what purpose did I have?  In the language of the Four Agreements, I was not meeting the expectations of my view of the perfect male provider. In the language of Unitarian Universalists (UU),  I was challenged to apply our first UU principle to myself – you know the one about  ”… the inherent worth and dignity of every person.”  You will notice it does not have any pre-conditions, like you have to earn income or whatever reason you might have for not accepting yourself.

Freud said “Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility” 

While I was good at the responsibility of  earning my freedom, I could improve at the responsibility of  exercising my freedom.  What is the point of being free if you do not act free? 

I totally get that problems of  early retirement are a big privilege. If my so-called problems do not resonate with you. I bet you have your own problems big and small.  I also bet you might have been domesticated and I bet you have some self-limiting beliefs that form the bars of your own cages.

A great way to detect the bars of your invisible cage is when you bump into them.  You will know you are bumping into them when you hear your mind say words like “I cannot” or ”I should not”  to yourself.  This is a time to evaluate the thought. Personal examples, when I hear “Thad, you should not have another beer,” it would be better if I listened.  But, if I hear, “Thad, you should not feel angry or sad,” then I should ignore that voice.  Feeling what you feel is part of being free. 

As UUs we are typically resistant to religious dogma but there are many other forces that use dogma to limit your freedom.  Be vigilant.

Consumerism is built into our society. In fact, I think it’s our national religion.  I bet more people shop on Sundays than go to church.  

If you truly adopt the belief that things do not make us happy, you can be more free.  Challenge your own purchasing decisions, especially if you have environmental concerns. Every purchase sends a message to the economy to produce more petroleum based stuff. This is not so easy.  Advertisers and influencers tell us we can have it easy now and our lives will be better with their products.  Economic forces pressure us to take the easy step now – fast food, fast fashion, easy credit, but do not highlight consequences. Advertisers notoriously help us identify needs we never knew we needed. Advertising also creates unreasonable expectations around beauty, body image, sex appeal, and entitlement to luxury by tapping into our innate fears of missing out and our fears about not being good enough. 

The  Tyler Durden character the in the movie Fight Club has some helpful insight: 

• “Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need” 

• “You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis.”

Because advertising is a big domesticator, I suggest minimizing all kinds of advertising supported media use – TV, Facebook, TicToc etc…all of it.  Prioritize what you like and especially avoid mindless scrolling on your phone. 

In his Discourses, the stoic philosopher Epictitus said “. . . freedom isn’t secured by filling up on your heart’s desire but by removing your desire.”  

More recently, the author Morgan Housel has said ”The best measure of wealth is what you have minus what you want.”  This applies to more than money.

Maybe limiting desires is one key.

Similar to advertising, I am also trying to adopt a lower politics diet.  I have come to the realization that beyond being a relatively informed and consistent voter, I cannot impact much change. Most political news and commentary has only a minimal impact on me. Following day to day politics is a lot like listening to sports talk.  It’s entertaining but not too intelligent or rewarding. I do have to admit that it’s kind of fun to have an opinion on the issue of the moment or to engage in a healthy discussion with friends and family – especially when armed with the best facts to shoot down somebody else’s stupid opinion.  But, most of it is wasted time.  How much attention did you pay to the manufactured debt ceiling crisis or some other over-hyped issue that is going to threaten democracy as we know it?  I also think political hobbying is freedom limiting. It mostly shifts our focus from things we can do to what other people are doing.

I have to remind myself of the Tolstoy quote that goes like: “Everybody wants to change the world, but nobody thinks about changing themselves.”

With some basics out of the way I want to try to cover something more challenging.

I think we would all like to be free from worry. Worry is the fear of some real or imagined negative outcome. I have three ideas:

1. I love the Buddhist concept of impermanence.  You know nothing lasts forever.  I used to think about this in terms of enjoying the good things in life. Example, my son still kisses me goodnight, I am going to enjoy these moments because I know they are  not going to last. If something valuable breaks – impermanence oh well.  One day I was commiserating with my Buddhist sister about our former president and she said “Do not worry. Impermanence. He is not going to be in office forever.”  This was when I first realized that impermanence is true for bad things also. Our congregations friend Bhante Sujata said the same thing. 

2. Stephen Cope described the teachings from the Hindu scripture Bhagavad Gita in The Work of Your Life. While Cope’s book and the Gita address many aspects of spirituality, the main message I got from this book is do your best and know that you cannot control outcomes because they are in God’s hands.  If you cannot accept that God is responsible for outcomes, I have a different version for you: I will do my best and leave the outcomes to the consequences of  the complex interplay of probabilities in the dynamic interaction of human, natural, economic, social and political systems. Regardless of your preference, we can make good decisions and still get bad outcomes that result from some outside force.

3.  Similarly, I always like the wisdom of the serenity prayer, often attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.”     

Lets try an exercise:

I think a lot of people worry about a pending environmental catastrophe.  I know people who would not want to have kids because of how bad the future is going to be.  We even had a speaker here who gave a presentation on how doomed the earth is.  I have some suggestions on how to ease your worries.

Impermanence.  It’s climate change. Everything changes. I am going to die, you are going to die, the earth and all of its inhabitants are going to suffer and die.  This is all true regardless of our emissions. Maybe if we accept the impermanence of all life, then we can honor it for the miracle that it is.  Let’s get off our screens and get outside and enjoy it while it lasts.  

At the same time, know that current systems are impermanent. Humanity is at the top of the food chain, because we are masters of evolution.  With new constraints and new adversity will come new creativity.  Progress sometimes seems elusive and then all of a sudden it’s here.  We might be pleasantly surprised.

Focus on what you can change. The outcome of the whole earth is beyond anybody’s capacity.   What can we individually do? Vote. Develop your resiliency. Reduce your carbon footprint. Buy less and buy locally. Be the change you want to see.   

Maybe get involved in a local project with other people.  On a recent podcast, I heard Seth Godin, the marketing guru and editor of a network authored book called the Carbon Almanac, suggest that getting involved with neighbors to ban gas powered leaf blowers in your town will have a bigger impact than buying an electric car.  Our recent speaker John Wasik just wrote a Substack article about the perils of gas powered lawn equipment.  I bet there are other examples of actions we can take that might make a difference.  Do your best and leave the outcome to God, or unpredictable probabilistic forces. 

I will begin to bring this to a close with a little story from the memoir of Dr Edith Egars called  The Choice. Dr Egars, recounts her teenage imprisonment in Auschwitz. Shortly after arriving, Josef Mengele, known as the Angel of Death, forced her to perform a dance to the tune of “Blue Danube.”  While giving what she presumed was a life or death performance, she remembered her mother’s advice:  “no one can take away ,what you have put into your own mind”  She later goes on to say “I can see that Dr Mengele, the seasoned  killer, who just this morning killed my mother, is more pitiful than me.  I am free in my mind which he can never be.  He will always have to live with what he has done.  He is more of a prisoner than I.”

Dr. Egars lived in the most brutal of cages. She figured out how to be free, because she knew her thoughts controlled her freedom.  If she could be free, maybe we can be all free.  Let’s have courage and always remember Glennon Doyle’s advice to  Tabatha, we are God damn human beings, born to be wild and free.