Why is Thad Glad?

In 2019, I joined Prairie Circle Unitarian Universalist Congregation (PCUUC) in Grayslake, Illinois.   Our church does not have a staff pastor and is mostly run by members.  Guest ministers, members and friends of the congregation deliver sermons.  We rent space for services in a barn, pictured above.  Our theme for November was forgiveness and I had the pleasure of presenting the sermon on Sunday November 10, 2019, which I titled Identity, Politics and Forgiveness.  If you are curious about PCUUC, visit www.prairiecircleuuc.org/aboutus.

Good morning.  It’s an honor to speak with you today.    I am grateful that you are here and hope that my discussion will be beneficial to you.

I think you might agree that we have a need to improve the civility in politics.   I have always believed that personal change is the best we can do affect our broader culture and consciousness.  While I am grateful for the island of civility here at Prairie Circle Unitarian Universalist Congregation (PCUUC), I also recognize that each of us is also a member of the extended culture.  Speaking only for myself, I can say I am better at living the Unitarian Universalist (UU) principles with fellow UUs.

My primary topic is identity.  I am thinking about self-identity, which pertains to how we define ourselves and relationships to people and issues from a personal perspective.  I think the easiest way to think about identity is to consider the labels that we apply to ourselves and others.  We often have more than one.  Think about how you describe yourself with nouns that follow the words ‘I am.’  Example I am a Unitarian Universalist, I am an American.  Often these labels fall into categories related to sex and gender, sexual preference, culture, religion, profession as well as relational roles like spouse, brother, mother, daughter, friend.   But really, it’s not the label that counts for identity but the story we tell ourselves about the meaning of a label.   We each may have different stories about those labels.

With each identity also comes an inherent loyalty to people who share the same identity.   For example, I am a Bears fan. When I first came to this church it was easy to connect with another Bears fan.  My Bears allegiance may create a little friendly friction with Packer’s Fans.  This is a safe distinction because the UUs I have met do not seem to be rabid sports fans.   But wearing the wrong jersey to Oakland Raiders games or to certain European soccer games can be dangerous.  Identities have power.

My questions for you are

• What are your identities?
• How do they influence your beliefs and behaviors?
• Do you judge people for their identities?
• Can you forgive others for their identity?

Why am I asking these questions?   I have been thinking about identity and identity politics for a while.  My thoughts were mostly in theory and about the problems of our politics and culture.  Recently, I have been thinking about own political identity.

As a new UU member, I started going to Men’s Fellowship meetings.  For those of you who have not attended these meetings, one of the important parts is the check-in, where each attendee shares an update about what is going on in his life.  These can be routine updates about family and travel or can include discussions about personal difficulties.  All of this is done in a supportive and emotionally understanding way.  There is a bit of what I call Men’s Code at Men’s Fellowship – you know, what happens at Men’s Fellowship stays at Men’s Fellowship,  I do not think I will violate the code because I think what I am going to share will not be a big surprise.

After attending a couple of these meetings and our Sunday services, and this is the no surprise part.  It became clear to me that UUs tend to lean left politically.   At one Mens’s Fellowship some attendees mentioned strained moments with relatives due to differences of political opinions.   There were comments about the benefits of MSNBC and how smart Rachel Madow is.   Most people seemed to agree.   When it was my turn to check in, I felt compelled let people know that I was Republican.   I have been one since I started voting and frequently vote party line, which irritates my wife to no end.  She does not think my occasional Libertarian protest vote is bipartisan enough.   However, I did get a little reprieve for voting for John Wasik, our County Board representative and a Democrat, who has spoken here before.

I assume most of you identify as Democrats.  Now that you know I am a Republican, what do you think about my views?  What do you think about me? Here some ideas – As a Republican, obviously I must be:

• Anti-Immigration
• Anti-Regulation, especially anti-gun regulations
• Anti-Abortion
• Believe that Global Warming is a hoax
• Maybe you think I am anti-minority or anti-women
• Certainly, you think I want to hoard my money through low taxes especially if we can cut social programs while spending more on defense
• In any other setting you might even assume I am evangelical Christian or a Catholic

[Note:  In case you are reading quickly, the above do not really represent my positions]

Since I think you are Democrats, which you may or may not be, I naturally think you assume those points about Republicans and therefore about me.  It’s a crude use of stereotypes but I think it may say something about political identities and our stories about them.

I am sure that it is not news to you that American politics have become tribalistic.  We see it every day.  Democrats and Republicans are entrenched in their positions with limited willingness to tackle big problems through dialogue and compromise.   Party affiliation is often split by geography, class, race and any number of other identities.  I will paint with broad brush:    Minorities, environmentalist, coastal elites, including those from our very own Third Coast, are split with rural America, evangelical Christians and a proportion of blue-collar suburban voters.   While we are all Americans, there is clash of culture, a component of which can possibly be attributed to our identities.

I went to college at the Naval Academy in Annapolis Maryland.  As part of our military indoctrination we had to memorize all kinds of different facts and quotes.  I find myself thinking of a shortened version of one attributed one of the founders of the Navy.  You might know it.  ‘My country, right or wrong.’  It’s a little bit of an allegiance quote.  Now I think there is a new version that permeates the country’s political psyche – ‘My party right or wrong.’   While we do not know what our political leaders really think, it seems like many are publicly loyal to their party no matter what.   At a personal level I think these political affiliations become part of one’s identity.   Once ingrained, it’s hard to change identity without significant introspection.   Side note, there are even sub-identities.  For Republicans you can be a conservative Republican or for those not conservative enough you could be a RINO.  You do not want to be a RINO in conservative Republican circles.  I am RINO.

I believe that the current situation relies on the using identity-based labels to describe the opposing side, often without regard to nuance.   For example, I admit that I sometimes rely on labels to describe people who have left leaning positions that seem preposterous.  Example, when Bernie Sanders says the government should forgive $1.6 trillion in student loans for people who voluntarily signed up for them,  I revert back to Archie Bunker labels by saying, ‘he is a pinko commie.’  A more charitable and accurate reaction might be, something like ‘Bernie has been a dedicated public servant who wants to resolve real issues associated with the student loan crisis; however, I think his ideas will have more negative consequences than benefits.’  While I think this is a more mature response, it’s boring.   If political operatives are going to move the needle with a disengaged electorate, it makes sense to stick with the short and sweet points:  He’s a Socialist and Socialism always fails.  For those of us who want to engage with each other civilly, I do not think it works.   I really need to stop calling people commies.

Through my podcast listening, I became a fan of Arthur Brooks who I think shatters identity- based labels.   He is a Harvard Professor, a former professional French horn player, a vegan, a devout Catholic, and former president of the right leaning American Enterprise Institute.  He has a book and podcast called Love Your Enemies.   I want to share two of his points:

• He discusses what is known as “motive attribution asymmetry”. This is where one side believes they are motivated by love and the other side is motivated by hate.  When both sides believe the same thing, there is not much room for productive dialogue.    It’s not that the other side has bad ideas, it’s that their motivations are wrong.   I am doubtful that most people are motivated by hate.
• Brooks also cites psychological research that finds that the number one predictor of couples getting divorced is eye-rolling, sarcasm, and mocking. In other words, contempt.  He then asserts that what’s bad for a marriage is bad for politics and bad for a country. To him the biggest problem that we have in the country today is this culture of treating each other with contempt.  I believe him.

I am not sure if there is research that supports this, but I think that political contempt is a function of our identity.   I bet you can think of people who do not speak to each other due to political issues.   In my own family, I can think of situations where political differences have driven a wedge in relationships.  I have also seen grown men nearly get into fights over political disagreements.   I think the strong reactions mentioned occur because we sometimes associate difference of opinions as assaults on our identify.   It’s difficult to have rational discussions with each other about identity-based disagreements.  If you do, each side is likely to become more entrenched in their positions as they fight protect their identity.   After one of these arguments, neither side leaves the conversation with a feeling of growth or progress.   Seriously, are our goals all that different.  I think most want a society that promotes fairness, peace, prosperity and pursuit of happiness.   We just have different views on how to get there.

Before closing on the politics, I would like to take a little detour about identity in our personal lives.   I urge you to think about yours.

I will share some of mine.  I am a cisgender heterosexual man.  I am a Naval Academy Graduate and it’s a big part of my identity even 30 years after graduation.  I am a Marine Corps veteran.  You know once a Marine, always a Marine.  It’s still part of me even though I have not worn the uniform for more than 20 years.

Until recently I have willingly embraced these identities without much thought or awareness that these identities have side effects.

• I have identified with traditional masculinity; you know the strong silent type. I have recently learned about the Three P’s of Masculinity: Provide, Protect, Procreate, which also describe my view of manhood. While I am not claiming any superiority, it does describe how I approached my life.
• However, one of my flawed stories about this identity is that strong silent people do not acknowledge or share their feeling.  Not sharing feelings has contributed to depressive tendencies and strained relationships because sometimes people do not know where I stand on things.
• Real men can hold their booze – I can hold my booze, but it took a lot of unhealthy practice that led to some embarrassing situations
• Naval Academy graduates are supposed to assume the highest responsibilities in command citizenship or government – it’s in the school’s mission statement.  I have not done so.  Maybe I am a failure.  Feelings of failure are not great for your mental health.
• Boys do not cry and Marines definitely do not cry – I cry but I still feel a little ashamed.
• I also realize that maybe my identities have negatively influenced my implicit biases toward women, racial minorities and the LGBTQ community.  After all, there must be a reason my daughter accuses me of being part of the Patriarchy.
• Maybe adoption of these identities has prevented me from being my true self.
• I have had more advantages than many people and am not asking for sympathy.  I use these examples because they are the ones I have.  Perhaps you have you have your own examples.
• I accept that chose some of these identities and family and culture programmed others.  I realize that have agency and can reprogram myself.  So can you.

I have a take on identity from a self-improvement point of view.  Consider your identities as they relate to your habits.  In his excellent book Atomic Habits, James Clear says that to change a behavior, you need to start believing new things about yourself.  You need to build identity-based habits.  For example.

• I am the kind of person who exercises regularly and first thing in the morning. I do so consistently. My commitment to fitness is part of my identity.
• I want to be the kind of person who writes regularly. It’s not part of my identity – yet.

How do your identities support or detract from your personal goals?

Returning to political identity, tribalism, and contempt….

How can we improve civility?  I do not have any national solutions or policy positions, but I do believe that change starts with each of us.  I think forgiveness is part of the solution.

I think forgiveness is the opposite of judgement or maybe forgiveness is the antidote to judgement.  Forgiveness does not imply a passive neutrality, nor does it mean that we should not advocate for actions that we support or against those that we disagree with.  For me, avoiding judgment by forgiving is a way to treat others with dignity while easing my own mind so that I can live a better life in concert with our UU seven principles, especially the one about accepting each other.

A sermon would not be complete without some preaching, so I am going to share some guidelines that I am working to cultivate, and you might consider them too:

You are likely familiar with the saying ‘Garbage in, garbage out.’  I think it’s good to tune out political garbage so you can protect your identity and ability to think freely.

• Say ‘no’ to cable news. If you cannot say ‘no’, then say ‘less.’  While you might be able to find some actual fair and balanced reporting, remember their main product is advertising sales through political entertainment.  Even if you do think Rachel Madow is really smart, I believe MSNBC and Fox News are two sides of the same tribalistic coin.  I have heard people make statements like ‘I am a Fox news guy’ to signal their political beliefs.  I suggest not tying your identity to a cable news channel.
• Instead I suggest that you read a newspaper and listen to NPR. I read the Wall Street Journal during the week.  I am happy to suggest the New York Times or even local papers.    When I bring up an interesting news items at dinner with my wife, I can nearly guarantee that she already heard about it and more on NPR.
• Think about you’re your social media use. I like to segment mine.  Facebook is for keeping up with friends, not politics.  No matter how good or bad caustic political memes make you feel.   When you get one, use the ‘Hide Post’ function to hide it.  By doing this you can train the Facebook algorithm, to stop showing you them.   I rarely get them now.  If you are not going to do this, please do not share caustic memes.  Memes rarely change opinions; they only strengthen identities and risk angering friends and family.   If you really want to engage on political topics, join Twitter, there are all kinds of creative, funny and caustic comments there and its unlikely that you will alienate your neighbor, your spouse’s parents or old high school friends.   Even though few people will see what you write it’s still kind fun to like and retweet stuff.  You can also respond directly to the President.  I am sure he reads all responses.  If you want to see contempt in action, read responses to the President.
• Do not get triggered by somebody else’s comment, remember Victor Frankl’s quote, ‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’  I have to admit, I have been instigator and sometimes it’s fun to make a comment that you know is going to get a response for somebody.  My wife has really encouraged me [more like mandated]  to stop doing this around my family members.   Do not fall for instigators.  If you do get triggered, think about why you got triggered.  Considering your identity might be a good place to start.
• Consider Stephen Coveys’ advice to seek first to understand. Instead of reacting to somebody’s opinion see if you can ask questions to see why they hold certain view and maybe then you can share your thoughts.  Either way rapport, respect and trust might lead to productive discussions.
  • When I ‘came out’ as Republican and Men’s Fellowship, this is the approach that attendees took. They were curious about what kind of Republican I was and just asked about my views.  Nobody tried to reeducate me.  It was a nice experience.   I am grateful for the acceptance I got there.
  • Or, if you think this is being too ingratiating to somebody whose opinions you abhor, think of it as a flanking attack. In the Marines, I learned that a frontal assault is the last option, always go for the flank where defense is weakest.  I think asking questions and getting people to describe their views might be a better way to change thinking.  I know that ideas that seem logically sound in my own head sometimes sound stupid when said out loud.
• I have found Don Miguel Ruiz book The Four Agreements helpful.  This is a New Age spiritual book based on teachings attributed to Toltecs who preceded the Aztecs in what is now Mexico.   Putting the mythology aside, two of the four rules or agreements apply here:
  • Do not make assumptions. I will illustrate with an example.   Imagine you are driving along peacefully and suddenly a jacked-up 4×4 adorned with NRA and MAGA stickers whizzes by and cuts you off.  I bet you might quickly form some opinions about the person.  While it might be easy to think the person is a right-wing nut job who stands for everything you hate, in reality the person might be an organic farmer who prefers hunting over eating factory farmed meat and is late for his daughter’s ballet recital.  That may not explain the MAGA sticker but two out of three is pretty good.   If you are like me, I am betting you make judgments about people based on superficial inputs.   Avoiding assumptions can help reduce those judgments and make you more willing to forgive or accept others.
  • Do not take things personally. Like much great advice, it’s easy to give and hard to take.   Why should we take other people’s political opinions so personally?   People’s opinions and values have more to do with them than us.   Do we need to get angry about them?   If we did not identify so strongly with our own politics, we might realize that opinions are rarely a threat.

While I have offered some tactics that may sound passive and you might think being passive is not an approach to solve the major problems facing our state, country, and world.  I am not saying be passive.  I believe in our democratic principles and believe that the robust competition of ideas will strengthen our democracy.  By all means, participate.  I am just asking you to understand your identity and how it affects you.  By doing so you might also recognize that other people are governed by their identities and perhaps you can forgive them for it.

As we come to the end, I have a few final points.

You might be curious about the outcome of my little political identity exploration.  I decided to de-link my identity from my political affiliation.  I mainly realize that the stories I have been telling myself about what it means to be Republican do not match the current behavior of my party.  While I am not becoming a Democrat, I am trying to be a human being who often votes for Republicans.  In reality, I am mainly trying to identify as human being.

I challenge you to think about your identities and the stories you tell yourself.

Finally, I know I have wondered around on a few topics and have presented some incomplete ideas.  In the event they did not resonate with you, I want to end with the message I always want to hear in church:  Lets commit to loving ourselves, loving our neighbors, loving our enemies.   If you believe, love your God.  Let’s help each other and especially the less fortunate.  Let’s forgive ourselves and each other.   Thank you.

Readings:

The Lord’s Prayer

Our Father, Who art in heaven,

Hallowed be Thy Name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy Will be done,

on earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil. Amen.

A BUDDHIST PRAYER OF FORGIVENESS

If I have harmed any one in any way, either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness.

If any one has harmed me in any way, either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them.

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that.

For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself, through my own confusions, I forgive myself.